The Case of the Missing Shoe

In our household, it is not uncommon to hear a sentence that begins with the ever-dreaded "HAS ANYONE SEEN ....  (then fill in the blank)

           ... my car keys?"

          ... the can opener?"

          ... the tie for my robe?"

          ... the roll of toilet paper?"

Things disappear.  Correction:  They are disappeared from us, snatched stealthily in random order as if their presence in our lives were just figments of our imagination.

When things get really hairy, it's when ALL of something disappears. 

          ALL of my knee high stockings...

          ALL of the forks...

          ALL of the unpaid bills ...

But nothing compares to the very annoying  "Missing Just One."

          ONE earring.

         ONE of the two avocados needed for tonight's guacamole.

Allow me to demonstrate:  Mother Unit (Sharon) dashes downtown to purchase a pair of ballet shoes for a certain ballerina, but discovers she is mysteriously without her debit card and drives home empty-handed, eyebrows furrowed.  While pulling into the driveway, she encounters Teenage Son, wearing similarly furrowed brows.  "Hey, have you seen my debit card?" she asks half-heartedly.

Silence.  Sad sigh.

"Mom, she took my shoe.

"Just one?"

"Just one."

Now doomed to flip-flops on a wintry afternoon, he ambles miserably off. 

His beloved little sister is BANDIT CHILD.

We know it's going to be one of "those kinds of days" when BANDIT CHILD dashes by wearing a backpack, or creeps around on hands and knees, towing a heavy purse by a bathrobe tie.  Or when you see her blonde ponytail flash by and you inquire what she's up to and she wheels around and hisses, "shhhhhh!  I hiding!!"  We're doomed.  Our day is spent keeping one eye on her general whereabouts, biding time until BANDIT CHILD succumbs to sleep.  Then, let the hunt begin!

Somewhere -- under a bed, behind a dresser, buried under a bush -- is the culmination of a day's worth of pilfering.  It will usually present itself in the form of a bulging bag or purse, and its contents will astound you:  $100 worth of stamps.  One orange rind.  Your driver's license from 1987.  4 driveway pebbles.  Every piece of jewelry you've ever owned.  The kitchen sink sponge.  You get the drift.

And if you're really lucky....

ONE shoe.